i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
