I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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