I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
