I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
