I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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