Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize