You really coming over, don't trick.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
