My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
