and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
