my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
