I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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