From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
