I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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