there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
