i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
