then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
