I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
