I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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