I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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