This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
