I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
