Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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