Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
