Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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