At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
