so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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