They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
