even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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