Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
