i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
