One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
