Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
These tits shall not be calmed
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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