i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize