so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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