dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
