i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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