Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
