Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Do vagina's smell?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
