I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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