Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
