i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
