I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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