I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
