the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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