The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
