I was the one passing out cake at the bars
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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