so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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