guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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