He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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