Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
