dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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