I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
