You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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