So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
