I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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