Don't make out with my wife yet
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
