I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
