theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
