Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
