Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
