A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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