If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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